I've lost count of the number times i've started writing this and then hit the backspace key. I don't know where to start. Or what to start with. So much has happened. So much is happening. Sometimes it all feels a bit surreal. This is the kind of thing that happens to other people.
Life has not been the same since the evening of February 19th 2013. Without going into details here, lets just say that what happened is the worst nightmare in the life of any pilot and his family come true. When i first got the news i went numb for a couple of minutes. I guess my mind refused to process the information until it was sure i had all my coping mechanisms in place.
The week that followed tested each and every one of those mechanisms. Thankfully, i have my mom's head when it comes to a crisis the likes of which i was faced with. Even while one part of me was numb with disbelief, the other knew that remaining calm was extremely important. I knew that people around me would take their cue from how hysterical or not i was. It wouldn't help anyone, especially the worried parents halfway across the country, if i gave way to my worry and panic. And so during the day, i was strong and practical and non-weepy. I was in good humour about what had happened, looking at the good in the situation and ignoring the what-ifs.
But back home, exhausted after 12 hours in a hospital chair and alone, the calm would shatter and the tears would fall freely. In a way, those nightly crying sessions rejuvenated me for a whole new day. And i guess i had everyone convinced that nothing fazed me because when i did let my worry show about small concerns like travel plans, they appeared shocked and surprised. After all, i'd remained calm where most wives would get hysterical.
And now, a month and a half later, when life finally seemed to be going well and we had a lot to look forward to, the universe decided to keep pushing our limits. It seems we hadn't gone through enough and still had some residual bad karma to make up for or something. Nothing else explains the situation we are in now. Unless you want to believe in the whole evil eye concept and how people can't be happy that things are going right for you.
Yes, in the bigger picture of life, we should just count our blessings and be happy. But i'm out of perspective and so done with looking for silver linings. And i'm tired of being strong and composed. I'm human. I'd like to be able to get hysterical and cry my heart out till my eyes are puffy and painful without having to explain it to anyone. I want to be able to vent and rant and howl. And i want people to stop being shocked by my lack of composure or calm in the face of a messy situation. I want to be able to have a breakdown and not feel guilty about it. I need to be allowed my reactions. And emotions.
I need it all to just end well.
I want it all to just end.