The Analysis of Persons on Two-Wheelers

(Day 106 of 112)

It’s simple. They should all be consigned to hell. Hot fires, pitchforks and run by the devil kind of hell. Torturing them might be a possibility too. I’m thinking Chinese torture methods. Maybe having them listen to George Bush talk politics. Anything that makes them want to jump into one of hell’s fires and atone for the sins committed on the roads of small town India.

I mean, driving here is like asking for trouble and begging for three more sets of eyes. It’s impossible to be a good driver here and follow all the rules of traffic because there aren’t any – good drivers or rules of traffic. I know this because I’m very sure that I’m one of 3 people in this entire place who actually uses the indicator in the car. I’m also the only one who likes to stay in the lane I’m in, and not weave around like I’m have a seizure or something. And when I stop to let pedestrians cross the road, they look at me like I’m the crazy lady from Timbuktu and am luring them into a trap!

Why do men on two-wheelers think, that by virtue of being on two wheels (and this includes everything from a cycle to a motorbike), they are suddenly endowed with immortality and skin that’s like armour? That could be the only reason for a) not wearing helmets, (b) weaving in and out of traffic like they’re in a video-game arcade, (c) piling on people on the two wheeler like it’s the roof of a State bus, (d) looking for my car to try their stunts with. Morons each and every one of them I tell you. And suicidal to boot.

And you know what scares me more than hitting one of these fools? The Fellow. I mean it’s his beloved car that will bear the brunt of immense stupidity let loose on the roads right? And I really don’t want to be the one behind the wheel when stupidity collides with the car. And I refuse to be the one to tell the Fellow about it. I have a feeling love will take a back seat then. At least for me.

Eyes Closed

(Day 35 of 112)

One thing I’ve realised after traversing the roads in Bombay after a long time has been that while the traffic has gotten worse and the roads an even bigger disgrace than they were, one thing that has not changed is the attitude of the people.

Nobody trusts anybody on the roads. They see an opening and 20 vehicles aim to get through it. It doesn’t matter that they are cutting lanes and making a bigger mess of the traffic. All that matters is that they get through to the other side before the old sod in the bigger car on their left. If only people trusted each other to follow road etiquette and believe that if they just show a minute’s worth of patience everyone will get through. But that’s too much to ask. If someone is sensible enough to stay in his place and not add to the already terrible jam, the moron in the gigantic car behind him will take it as a sign to rush forward and add his two bits to the big pile of mess.

And if this not enough, the use of brakes seems to have become illegal in this city. Or so I believe. After all no one uses them anymore. And so cars, buses, trucks and rickshaws all swerve and sway and literally scrape through by the skin of their teeth. But no one stops. That’s against their pride and religion apparently. And of course if they stop the result is generally an orchestra of honking from all sides. Then there is the unspeakable humiliation, of having that lady-driver on your right overtake you. Not done you see.

The only thing to do on the roads of Bombay now (and it seems like most drivers are already doing it) is to keep your eyes closed when travelling (but not when behind the wheel). I know I do (again, not behind the wheel). My heart and blood pressure cannot stand the stress of expecting the sound of metal against metal accompanied by a huge shouting match anymore. I must be getting old. Or careful.